Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Welcome to another episode of Lights....Camera....Popcorn!

Today's review is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Directed by Jonathan Liebesman.

Written by Josh Applebaum, Andre Nemec & Evan Daughtery.

Based on the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" characters created by Kevin Eastman & Peter Laird.

Review #257

MPAA Rating: Rated PG-13 for sci-fi action violence.

Run Time: 101 min

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Cast

Megan Fox...April O'Neil

Will Arnett...Vernon Fenwick

William Fichtner...Eric Sacks

Alan Ritchson...Raphael

Noel Fisher...Michelangelo

Pete Ploszek...Leonardo

Johnny Knoxville...Leonardo (voice)

Jeremy Howard...Donatello

Danny Woodburn...Splinter

Tony Shalhoub...Splinter (voice)

Tohoru Masamune...Shredder

Whoopi Goldberg...Bernadette Thompson

Michael Bay.

The name makes my skin turn green. This hack has been responsible for some reprehensible films. Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys II and let's not forget the Transformers series. My biggest problem with Bay's films is his incessant need to inject street humor into scenes that don't need or want them. He tries to be "down" when in reality he's distancing himself from serious movie goers. Need proof? No problem.

Take a look at this picture.

Those two robots were in Transformers: Revenge of the fallen. Click HERE to read review. They spent the entire film spouting out dated hip hop jargon and references that made no sense for any character to say let alone a transforming alien robot. Bay took it even further by giving the green one buck teeth with a gold cap on the right tooth.

Are you F***KING KIDDING ME!

So fast forward several years later.

Now that he's eviscerated any fond memories geeks my age had watching the Transformers. Bay and his production house Platinum Dunes have set their sights on another popular franchise that unlike Transformers had already made it to the silver screen.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

For the record. I made it clear to anyone who asked that I was not going to see this film. Then movie boredom set in and I had the good fortune of having a movie gift card on hand so I figured why not. It's a free film and who knows maybe I'll be surprised.

The final verdict is this. It's not bad but it's not good either.

Plot
A group of mutated warriors face off against an evil kingpin who wants to take over New York.

The first thing you have to know about this movie is aside from everyone questioning why it's being made but then again, that's the same attitude reboots/remakes always get. There were a flurry of rumors that teased the turtles weren't turtles at all. Instead they were going to be aliens. This sent the geek word into a frenzy. The vitriol was so hot that almost everyone involved with the production had to go public with a comment denouncing the rumor. My personal opinion is that the film was always going to go in the alien direction and was forced to switch things up after the torrential backlash the production was getting. This is probably why the film was also delayed as long as it was. I'm sure some hefty rewrites were needed to get the script in line which begs the question, if they had to go back to the drawing board....

Why was the script so hollow?

The biggest problem with the script is revolving the story around April O'neil. Why is that a problem? Just look at the picture. Need I say more? Megan Fox is an ATROCIOUS actress that has no business being in any films. Her brainless, wandering "performance" just kills any momentum this film has and there wasn't much of it. The idea of making April the focal point of the story wasn't bad. The gross error in judgement was who was cast to play her. The next problem is the lack of depth and explanation of the foot clan. The film begins with some exposition about how the foot clan are terrorizing the city and nobody can stop them. This is exactly similar to the original film with the exception that the police were at least present. Not once do you see a cop or any type of law enforcement when the foot attacks. The script has more problems so no need to get into them. I'll dive into the one thing that I did enjoy from this film and that's

The Turtles.

If there was one thing these guys got right it was the stars of the show. The character designs were over complicated but what else do you expect from a Michael Bay influenced film. What the producers got right were the personality traits of the ninja four. Leonardo was the stoic "leader" voice by Johnny Knoxville another miscasting. Michelangelo was the ever present wise ass that occasionally tossed out some pretty funny one liners. Raphael who was the show stealer was the tough guy who has a chip on his shoulder and Donatello was the brain who had the least amount of dialogue and things to do. Not sure why the balance was off but when the four of them were together either in cahoots or combat they were the turtles I fell in love with a long time ago.

Another character that I felt they nailed was The Shredder. His backstory was clouded non explanation but his look and fighting prowess was an serious upgrade from the previous films version of the villain. A very nice introductory scene showcases this very well executed change. You truly felt that this guy was a force to be reckoned with and was going to be a tough challenge for the Turtles. Again, his design was a bit over complicated. It's tough to believe that Shredder would feel any pain from a punch or kick covered in all that armor. The suit also rendered the turtles weapons moot since Leo's katana's, Raph's sai's, Mikey's nunchucks and Donny's bo staff were never going to penetrate that metal. This made the final fight less enjoyable. There was an opportunity to showcase some impressive martial arts and instead we were treated to the same shaky cam, over sped, frenetic sequences that waste any integrity the stunt team had in putting together the fights in the first place.

I was able to get past it because I know what great martial arts films look like and I knew going into this one that I wasn't going to get it.

That would have been a tremendous bonus.

Bottom line is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will not give you that nostalgic feeling from yesteryear. This is a blatant update to try to appeal to an audience that weren't around when the turtles first spent their nights leaping off rooftops stopping crime in the comics. Unfortunately with these audience driven reboots, storytelling is replaced with stupidity and ADHD pacing so what you get is a video game. With a sequel already announced the franchise will continue to churn out more spectacles. Hopefully a better writing team can come in and fill in the many blanks this film left behind.

I'm not betting on it but one can hope right?

On the 5 star scale. Teenage Ninja Turtles gets 1.5 stars with a "Netflix It!" recommendation.

That's a wrap for today.

Until Next Episode...."I'll Save You A Seat!"

"D"