Today's review is Colombiana.
Directed by Olivier Megaton.
Written by Luc Besson & Robert Mark Kamen.
Review #135
MPAA Rating: PG-13 for violence, disturbing images, intense sequences of action, sexuality and brief strong language.
Runtime: 107 min
Cast
Zoe Saldana ...Cataleya Restrepo
Amandla Stenberg ...Young Cataleya Restrepo
Michael Vartan ...Danny Delanay
Cliff Curtis ...Emilio Restrepo
Callum Blue ...Richard
Jordi Mollà ...Marco
Max Martini ...Special Agent Williams
Lennie James ...Special Agent Ross
Graham McTavish ...Head Marshall Warren
Luc Besson and Rober Mark Kamen have been one of Hollywood's most notorious typewriting tag team. They have collaborated on some very popular films. The Fifth Element, The Transporter and Taken to name a few. A common component employed in Besson and Kamen's screenplays is what I call the AAL approach.
Abandon All Logic.
Their stories contain scenes that make no sense whatsoever to the narrative and specialize in the absurd. They serve no purpose than to just move the story along. This egregious tactic is mostly forgiven by me because the rest of the film overall is entertaining. So what happens when they apply the AAL approach to more than just a handful of scenes?
You get this DREADFUL film.
Plot
A young woman grows up to be a stone-cold assassin after witnessing her parents' murder as a child in Bogota. She works for her uncle as a hitman by day, but her personal time is spent engaging in vigilante murders that she hopes will lead her to her ultimate target - the mobster responsible for her parents' death.
The massive amount of stupidity and lack of continuity is blatant, sloppy and finally anger inducing. Colombiana is by all accounts an action movie that showcases two of the genre's most popular ingredients.
Revenge and Assassins.
Unless you are a complete BAFOON! You can't mess that up. Well Besson on Kamen messed it up.
The plot is so incomplete and poorly constructed that I questioned if there was a writer at all. After Cataleya flees her attackers she meets up with her uncle who's supposed to be some bad ass. She asks her to teach her how to become a killer. OK. Fine. How do we see this little girl grow into a fierce assassin? We don't. Just like Conan the Barbarian Besson and Kamen CHEATED by dipping the screen to black followed by a 15 years later title card over a panoramic shot of downtown L.A. What happened to the training montage that made films like this so cliche yet fun. Have they become so poo poo that we can't see somebody training? Combat progression aside. Colombiana commits an even harsher crime.
They WASTED Zoe Saldana.
This woman is in a word HOT and speaking as a hetero geek that loves action films. There's nothing BETTER than seeing a hot chick run around in a black body suit taking out bad guys. Again, unless you have a I.Q. of zero you can't mess this up. Saldana's looks and body was not put it's fullest potential. The best part about a female assassin is her sex appeal and that was NOT on display AT ALL.
UNACCEPTABLE!
The film also tries to get us to feel for these people when there was no emotional development. The most important thing to keep in mind here is that Cataleya was the child of a CRIMINAL! She may have been innocent when it came to her parents death but she was by no means a saint. If you are going to make a bad guy/girl your hero then you have to give us a reason to care about said bad guy/girl. The attempt to do that was on par with the rest of the script.
Blatant and sloppy.
Needless to say I was and am VERY disappointed in Besson and Kamen. I knew going in that this film was going to have some absurdity going for it. In the past Besson and Kamen have found ways to make it work to their advantage. It didn't here. The script was such a disjointed mess that you lose your footing right when the credits roll.
I'm done. This one is now the front runner for WORST FILM OF 2011!
On the 5 star scale. Colombiana gets the goose egg. 0 stars with a "For the Love of God....Stay Home!" recommendation.
That's a wrap for today. Up next is The Debt.
Until Next Episode...."I'll Save You A Seat!
"D"
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