Conan the Barbarian

Welcome to another episode Lights....Camera....Popcorn!

Today's review is Conan the Barbarian.

Directed by Marcus Nispel.

Written by Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua Oppenheimer & Sean Hood.

Based on the character Conan the Barbarian created by Robert E. Howard.

Review #133

MPAA Rating: R for strong bloody violence, some sexuality and nudity.

Runtime: 112 min

Cast

Jason Momoa ... Conan

Stephen Lang ... Khalar Zym

Rachel Nichols ... Tamara

Ron Perlman ... Corin

Rose McGowan ... Marique

Bob Sapp ... Ukafa

Leo Howard ... Young Conan

Steven O'Donnell ... Lucius

Nonso Anozie ... Artus

Raad Rawi ... Fassir

Laila Rouass ... Fialla

Saïd Taghmaoui ... Ela-Shan

Milton Welsh ... Remo

Conan the Barbarian is widely regarded as one of comics most iconic characters. That iconic status became amplified when the muscle man from Austria traded his Mr. Universe crown for a Cimmerian crown. From that point on the Conan character became legendary. So the next logical question is why has it taken over two decades to bring our beloved barbarian back to the silver screen? The answer is....there isn't one....depending on who you ask of course.

This character like so many others had fallen into developmental hell.

Script re-writes. The process went from a straight up remake to a reboot to even a sequel to Conan the Destroyer that would feature......wait for it......His son. Yeah I know. RIDICULOUS! .

Different directors. The Wachowski Brothers were once tagged to take on this film.

Casting changes. The Rock was once cast to play the son of Conan.

Studio influence/interference (mostly bad).

And finally release of the characters rights. You put all of those things in a mixing bowl and what comes out is an unholy MESS of a movie. So fast forward to now and Conan has finally returned to us.

Are we happy to see him? Well I can sum up this movie in two words....P U!

Picture me holding my nose as I say that.

Plot


A quest that begins as a personal vendetta for the fierce Cimmerian warrior soon turns into an epic battle against hulking rivals, horrific monsters, and impossible odds, as Conan realizes he is the only hope of saving the great nations of Hyboria from an encroaching reign of supernatural evil. 

All of those factors I mentioned causing the developmental retardation of this project were on full display.

EVERY....SINGLE....ONE!

The script did EVERYTHING it could to dishonor the character and his rise from a parent-less child to iconic warrior. The film begins it's absurdity right at Conan's birth. He's born while his village is attacked. After performing the barbarian's version of a C section he holds his son in the air like Rafiki does to Simba in The Lion King and screams in pain due to the loss of his wife and Conan's mother. He does this IN THE MIDDLE OF A BATTLE!

Are you kidding me?

We then see Conan as an adolescent and this was actually a pretty cool scene that establishes Conan's undying rage and strength. Then in similar fashion to the original Conan's village is attacked once again by the main villain and it's here where the film loses the momentum it had gained. In the original, Conan was taken by Thulsa Doom as a slave. He's trained in the art of war and death in attempt to make him part of Doom's army.

How does Conan develop his skills and body here?

He doesn't. We get a black screen and Morgan Freeman's voice over explaining that Conan lived off the land for many years. Hunting, thieving and surviving. WEAK! Some of the best aspects of Conan the Barbarian 1982 was seeing the montage of Conan the child become Conan the man.

You CAN NOT TAKE THAT AWAY FROM US!

I will not go into the rest of the plot because there isn't one. The script is by far one of the weakest I have ever seen. Especially concerning a character whose biggest attribute is STRENGTH.

Moving on to directors. Marcus Nispel's filmography the remakes of Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th. 

Need I say more?

This guy is a straight up HACK. His lack of talent and ability to craft a story cuts faster and harder than Conan's blade. The violence is too stylized and gratuitous. It doesn't add any depth to the fights which were HORRIBLY shot, framed and edited. The score was by far one of the WORST and CHEESIEST I have ever heard in a film. These are ALL things within a directors CONTROL and instead of coming to his senses....taking a step back and looking things over he left the movie like that.

By Crom is this guy AWFUL!

Finally the casting was all wrong with 1 exception. Jason Momoa who was a very controversial choice at the outset because of his unknown status in mainstream projects does a good job LOOKING the part. His performance however was very vanilla and cardboard. I am not going to blame him for that though. I am putting the script and director on trial for this offense. Conan is cunning, tactical and most importantly a SAVAGE! There was NONE of that here. In fact if he had channeled the character he played on HBO's Game of Thrones, Horse Lord Khal Drogo, we would be witnessing the rebirth of Conan. Instead we got a PG-13 Conan in an R rated film.

That's it. I'm done. I've already written more than this film deserves.

On the 5 star scale. Conan the Barbarian gets the goose egg. 0 stars with a "For The Love of God Stay Home!" recommendation.

That's a wrap for today. Up next is The Help.

Until Next Episode...."I'll Save You A Seat!"

"D"