Legion

Welcome to another episode of The "D" List.

Today's review is Legion. Directed by Scott Stewart. Written by Scott Stewart & Peter Schink.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boy and Girls, Children of all ages! I herby present to you the 1st official entry of The "D" List's Worst Films of 2010. Great Scott! was this movie terrible. I'm not going to wait until the end to tell you this. I'm begging each and every one of you now. If you value your hard earned dollars and my opinion. PLEASE STAY HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You will thank me.

The plot of this crap fest takes us to a diner in the middle of the desert. The waitress. Charlie played by Adrianne Palicki is 8 months pregnant. She plans to give up the baby for adoption but that's the least of her problems on this day. Why do you ask? Well I'll tell you. God has lost faith in humanity so he decides to eradicate the human race. The only problem with the Almighty's plan is that the baby Charlie is carrying will prevent that from happening. So god sends his general the Archangel Michael played by a pretty good Paul Bettany to kill Charlie's baby. He refuses and sets down to earth to protect the child from god's wrath.

This is the bare bones plot. I could go deeper but there really is no point. Instead I'm going to follow a friends very good advice and explain why this movie sucked beyond all that is right with the world.

Let's see.....Where do I begin......I guess I'll start at the very beginning.

If you saw the trailer then you remember the old lady that goes berserk in the diner. I will elaborate for those of you who didn't see the trailer. An old lady walks into the diner and talks to Charlie about her baby when suddenly she gets very mean and tells her that her baby is going to burn in hell and that everyone in the diner is going to die. This upsets the few people inside when suddenly it's revealed that the old bat is possessed and she attacks everyone in the place. This scene was to establish to the audience what the people in the diner were going to expect. The old lady gets shot then Michael arrives. He explains that god is pissed at you people, that he wants to destroy the world, that he's sending angel's to do it and the only thing that will stop him is Charlie's baby.

Thus brings us to problem #1.

If god was sending angels to kill the baby, why waste time with the possessed old lady? Better yet, why didn't the possessed old lady just kill the baby herself? Problem solved. God wins. Humanity is destroyed. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That would be too easy. Instead you have a pointless scene designed to create some scares while Michael arrives in his stolen police car.

This segues us into problem #2

When Michael first arrives, the 1st thing he does is cut off his wings. This makes him mortal. Why did he do that? It's never explained why he removed his wings. If he was going to protect the baby, wouldn't it have been easier if he was still and angel? Of course it would be but that's no fun. Our hero needs to be challenged so let's take away his power and protect the people against angels with guns.

Which brings us to problem #3

If God is sending angels to bring about the apocalypse why is Michael bringing guns to the diner? Guns won't help them against angels. Oh yeah that's right.......The diner isn't attacked by angels, it's attacked by possessed people with weak consciences. They can be killed so let's get a hundred guns and blow all of them sky high. If you're confused by this, imagine what I was going through watching this crap.

The basic problem with the story (and believe me there is nothing basic about the problem) is that the characters prepare for event A but then deal with event B. This is by far some of the laziest, incoherent writing I have seen. It almost reminds me of Fighting. Please don't get me started on that again.

Here's the biggest example of lazy writing. The movie goes through all this trouble telling us that Charlie's baby must live for the world to survive the attack but THEY NEVER SAY WHY!!!!!!!!! Not once are you told why the baby is so important. This was the ultimate gip of all time. How in the world can you as a writer place this much importance on a character and not reveal the purpose for it's importance. If you were going to go this route why not make a newspaper or a pack of cigarettes or better yet a cheeseburger the key to the world's survival. I can just picture Michael now. "If that cheeseburger gets eaten, we are all going to die!" Cue death tone music. SPARE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK. So by now you are seeing possessed people attacking the diner. They introduce them with what appears to be supernatural abilities but apparently if you board up a window they can't get in. That's right people. After their 1st attack on the diner failed, the damaged windows and doors were boarded up and you never saw them try to attack the diner again.

I could go on but I'm getting a massive headache and no "It's not a tumor!". I'll just move to the end which couldn't come fast enough.

Once the people inside fend off more of the possessed idiot's, Gabriel finally makes his arrival to kill the child who by now has been born. A side note to Gabriel's arrival, for some reason his descent to earth had to be accompanied by this ridiculous sounding viking type horn. It was completely absurd and just more noise in a film that was full of it. Gabriel arrives and after some horrendous expositional dialogue between him and Michael, they finally have their final battle. This too was laughable because there is no way we are expected to believe that Michael has the slightest chance against Gabriel sans wings. Gabriel even points it out to him. I'm paraphrasing most of the line, the last part is verbatim. "I see you removed your wings....They would have helped you in this case brother." PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I won't reveal the rest of the ending, not because I'm afraid of spoiling the climax, I'm just too tired. I've had enough. I went to see this film with my friend Katie and the best way I can describe the ending is this little conversation we had as the film was ending. There was a car crash and after the car spins about 5-6 times Katie leans over and says to me "There's no way that ??? survived that crash." and my response was "Who the F@$K cares at this point!" Your honor, I rest my case.

On the 5 star scale. Legion gets the big fat Goose Egg 0 stars with a Gigantic yell down from the mountain "For The Love Of God STAY HOME!!!!!!!!!" Recommendation.

This film was no pun intended GOD AWFUL from the credits. Do yourselves a favor and avoid this one at all costs.

That's all for today. Not sure what's next but here's what's on tap.

Wolfman
The Lovely Bones
Percy Jackson and The Olympians : The Lightning Thief

Until Next Episode......"I'll Save You A Seat!"

"D"